I Will Never Know A Son’s Love…

I Will Never Know A Son’s Love…

For as long as I can remember when I pictured my family it was with two children, I don’t know if that’s because I am one of two. But, I always hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to be a mummy to two.

When Andy and I got together we very quickly talked about marriage and having a family, I wasn’t getting any younger and to be honest I didn’t want to waste time. That sounds a bit harsh, but it was truly how I felt at the time. Yes, I had strong feelings for Andy, but if we wanted different things then I knew it wouldn’t work.

Luckily Andy was totally on the same page as me and I thank my lucky stars for that. He wanted to have two children like me and he didn’t want to waste anytime.

Anyway we had our plan and as anyone that reads my blog will know we were lucky to be blessed with two beautiful daughters, who we both adore and love unconditionally. The second I held Holly in my arms, I knew our family was complete.

I was very clear in my mind that we were done. As soon as Holly grew out of something I sold it or passed it on to friends. I had no need to keep anything, it wasn’t something that I thought to hard about. I remember a close friend saying, are you sure? Maybe hold onto to it for a while. But, I was adamant I wasn’t having anymore children and I have continued to feel like that for twenty months.

But, then something changed…

I suddenly realised I will never know a son’s love…

A love that if you read about online, it says that the bond between a mum and son is like no other, that sons love their mum’s and girls love their dads. I see it with my girls, the love they have with their daddy is special to watch and one that melts my heart every day. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Does this mean that we have decided to have another baby? No, that is not the answer and to be honest it’s not even a question for us to answer. I believe that you should bring a child into this world because you want a child and that the gender of that child is the lovely surprise that you get. It shouldn’t be the reason to keep having babies, to keep going until you have the gender you wish for.

You see I stand firmly by our decision to stop at two, we know that a third child is not for us. I also don’t think my body would make it through a third pregnancy.

It’s also not about me wishing one of my girls was a boy. As I always wanted a girl and once I was blessed with Alice, all I wanted for her was a sister. I see my friends with a sister and I love the relationship they have, one that I wish for my girls.

I know a mum and daughter’s relationship is special too. I am incredibly close to my mum, as is my brother. So, maybe it’s not about what gender you are, maybe it’s the love of the parent that makes it special.

So, what is it that I am rambling on about?

I guess there is just a part of me that will always wonder what it would be like to have a son’s love…

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49 Comments

  1. 27/04/2016 / 07:43

    I do understand this. I already have one boy and if I have another (and I’m only planning on one more baby) and it’s a boy again, as much as I’ll be thrilled, I’ll always wonder what it would be like to have a daughter. But you’re blessed with two beautiful little angels and as long as your happy that’s all that matters. xx #BloggerClubUK

  2. 27/04/2016 / 08:32

    I totally get what you’re saying. We’ve just had our second baby who will be our last and we were told it was a girl. We were so excited as our first is a boy. One of each. Amazing. Then it turned out to be a boy. So we have two beautiful boys. We are very lucky to have kids at all. But I confess there was a period where I felt really sad knowing I’d never have a daughter. That that door was closed. I’d see dads with their girls and feel jealous. Very odd but it passed and now of course I’m in love with both our sons. I think it’s perfectly natural to have these feelings. But I can see they sound crazy to anyone who hasn’t been through it.

  3. 27/04/2016 / 09:31

    I have two girls as well but I don’t feel like this at all, it’s all about the fabulous, close relationship between the girls for me. We won’t have a third either.
    Nat.x

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:26

      I am incredibly lucky to have been granted my wish for two girls, sisters is always what I dreamt of having. I just see friends with boys and wonder is it different? would the experience of being a mummy to them be different? Or is it the relationship that you have with them that makes it different. I feel another post coming on x

  4. 27/04/2016 / 09:39

    I have two girls and I am not having anymore children….I understand where you are coming from…
    I often wonder what it’s like to be a mother to a boy too…

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:24

      Thank you, that lovely to hear I am not alone in thinking this x

  5. 27/04/2016 / 10:28

    I have two boys and I would love to have a daughter. I wouldn’t change either of my boys for the world, but I wish I could experience the bond I have with my mom with a daughter of my own. #bloggerclubuk

  6. 27/04/2016 / 10:30

    I totally get where you are coming from. I think everyone is curious and would like to know what it is like to have both daughters and sons. The relationships are all special in their now right and unique. but everyone is different right? Some women are happy to have all girls. or all boys. I get it though. I totally get it. i would feel the same if I only had daughters or sons.

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:15

      Yes, the relationship I have with each of my girls is already different. Because they have different personalities and I love that. Maybe a boy wouldn’t be any different, maybe it is personalities that are what make the relationship?!?!?

  7. 27/04/2016 / 10:51

    I do understand what you’re feeling. We would definitely like two children, and given my feelings on pregnancy there definitely won’t be a third, so the next one will be our last. I don’t actually have a strong preference on gender – I thought I wanted a girl first time around and when that wasn’t the case it turned out I couldn’t have cared less. So whether it’s a boy or a girl, isn’t an issue for me – if we have another little boy that will be amazing. But I think that there will always be that little part of me that wonders about being a mummy to a girl. Perhaps because I grew up as one of two girls, in a family where our whole generation of cousins were girls – girls are what I know. #bloggerclubuk

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:13

      Yes, we are a family of girls. I always wanted a girl and a sister for Alice, I love their relationship. I see friends with boys and I think is it different? x

  8. 27/04/2016 / 12:47

    Geeze! sitting eating lunch at work looking like a loon crying lol.
    I totally relate to this! I never even wanted children and right up till Holly popped out I was in total denial.
    After that I wanted anther and always pictured a boy. Well here I am baby number 2 due and we found out it was a girl. I was totally shocked I had this all consuming feeling it was a boy.

    We agreed that since we have Holly and I have a step son. that 2 would be out limit. But now I am caught wandering what if. Don’t get me mixed up here! I am more than thrilled that Holly will have a sister. But I theres just that little part of me that feels like theres something missing.

    Great post!!
    Lx
    http://workingmumy.blogspot.com
    #BloggerClubUK

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:11

      Sorry, I didn’t mean to make anyone cry 🙂 Thank you. Oh you have a Holly too, she will love having a sister. I adore watching my girls together and having sisters is all I wanted. But, I do just wonder what it would be like and is it different? Good luck with baby number two x

  9. 27/04/2016 / 17:22

    I think that this is totally natural, and I imagine I would have felt the same way. I have friends in a similar situation who say it would be wrong to have a third child purely just to hope for the opposite sex, but they are still grieving in a way for the daughter or the son that they will never have. I am so lucky to have both sons and daughters but I know had I not, I would have felt a sense of longing sometimes, wondering what it might have been like. Lovely post. #BloggerClubUK

  10. Candace
    27/04/2016 / 17:37

    I will never know a son’s love with either. Luck for my husband, my daughter loves to help him work on the cars and goes to car shows with him. I think not having a son would be hard on him if they didn’t have such a strong bond.
    #bloggerclubuk

  11. 27/04/2016 / 18:47

    I never thought I was that bothered about having a son, I definitely saw myself as a girl mum and never really thought about not having a boy. When we got pregnant with Ernie I just assumed it would be another girl, and I was actually surprised how thrilled I was when I found out he was a boy. Not that i didn’t want a boy, just that I didn’t realise how much I wanted one, if that makes sense? I definitely would have been sad though if Greta hadn’t of been a girl because I really wanted Mabel to have a sister.

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:07

      Nor me! I always wanted girls and did a little jump of happiness to know Alice would have a sister. I always wanted a sister and to know I could give one to Alice was fab. That makes total sense and maybe that is what I am feeling, that I am surprised that I feel this way. I have lots of friends with boys and I look and wonder is it different?!? x

  12. 27/04/2016 / 19:08

    I totally understand why you would feel this way and I must admit that I do feel lucky to have experienced having a son and daughters. But actually the fact is that all relationships are different and special in their own way. Whether the child is a boy or a girl has never come into it for me at least! A very honest post though you really made me think x

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:04

      That is true, its about the child and the relationship you build with them. Thank you, that is lovely to hear x

  13. Rebecca
    27/04/2016 / 19:12

    Great article – really thought provoking. I am mum to a little boy and we won’t be having any more so although I absolutely love having a boy, I will always wonder what it’s like to have a girl or even a second baby for that matter…congratulations on two lovely girls though x

  14. 27/04/2016 / 20:05

    Oh I really felt for you through this but I think it’s so important to have a focus on the fact that you have two healthy children and, as a friend once told me, you may be pushing your luck with a third – I never understood what she meant until I went on to have a third and we had so many upsetting health issues. It’s hard to offer reassurance but just my thoughts lovely #BloggerClubUK

    • 27/04/2016 / 22:02

      I know how incredibly lucky I am to have two healthy happy girls and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I just wonder what it would be like. I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for commenting x

  15. 27/04/2016 / 21:15

    I hear you Laura, I’m the same but in reverse. I have 3 boys and that’s my lot, I didn’t care what I had but I do get that pang of sadness sometimes where I think how close me and my mum are and how I will never have that. I’m holding out for a niece one day of a Grandaughter 😉

    • 27/04/2016 / 21:59

      I always wanted girls and count myself incredibly lucky to have them. I just look at friends with boys and wonder is it different?!? I have a niece too, we are a family of girls 🙂 I will hold out for a grandson xx

  16. 28/04/2016 / 05:35

    I get this – but I have two boys and we were always going to have a third child until my horrendous second birth which has put my husband off and thats it no more. A small part of me will always wonder but then I see my boys and know how lucky I am.

    • 28/04/2016 / 22:33

      Yes, I think I will always wonder, but I adore my girls and have my dream x

  17. 28/04/2016 / 10:57

    I can totally see where you’re coming from. I think it’s normal to be curious, and to wonder. But, as you pointed out, I truly think it’s more about the relationship between individual parents and children, and less about what gender they are. x #BloggerClubUK

    • 28/04/2016 / 22:30

      Yes, I think the relationship is what makes the difference x

  18. I always imagined that I would have a boy and girl as I am one of two with a younger brother. I was then a single parent for many years and when I had my second child we had a girl ( who I was convinced was a boy though-out my pregnancy). I had a surprise third baby and he was a little boy and I honestly don’t think he is any different to my girls, he does not favour me and is not more loving or anything. Everything I heard about little boys such as they are loving, calmer, all for mummy etc does not apply to my little man. Now he is 20 months I have been feeling the odd pang of broodiness but we have no plans for any more children, maybe it is just that are babies are grown up xx

    • 28/04/2016 / 22:23

      Yes, I think you might be right. Holly is no longer a baby and I am missing that. xx

  19. 29/04/2016 / 10:25

    I also have two girls ( aged 2 and 4 ) and I always imagined having a boy too. When I found out I was having a second girl I expected to feel disappointed but I was elated – the relationship between sisters is a wonderful thing. I grew up super close to my dad, more so than my mum but now we have the most amazing friendship as well as mother/daughter relationship. Like you I couldn’t do pregnancy again, mine were both fairly awful but the second birth finished me off and I am definitely done. I have brothers who are far closer to my Dad than my mum so I think it depends on the child and the parent but they love you both the same and just show it in different ways I think. I understand the feeling but I think my thoughts on it are more to do with the no more babies issue than the no chance of a boy one .. it may be the same for you if you think it through? I think its quite a normal feeling though.

  20. 29/04/2016 / 14:33

    It would be nice to have one of each, but it’s also nice that your girls get to experience the sisterly bond. I agree that a child should be born out of love not because you want to keep going until you get a specific gender. Great post, very thought provoking!
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
    Debbie

  21. 29/04/2016 / 16:10

    Ah you know what? What we have is always what’s right for us; but it doesn’t stop us wondering. I have one of each and agree there is something about my boy’s love that is very different, and unconditional. But my relationship with my daughter has also grown stronger as she has aged, and come to need me for different things, and that’s a wonderful thing too. I’d love to have had a sister for her, and a brother for my son, but what we have is perfect too.

  22. 30/04/2016 / 12:25

    I am one of five girls and my mum has always said the same. She wanted a boy but is obviously more than happy with her girls, but you can’t help wondering. I have 3 girls and 1 boy and if I’m honest there is little difference between them. Another boy would have been nice to even things out but like you say, you take what you get and that is absolutely enough. I think life is too short to worry about the what ifs xx

  23. 30/04/2016 / 18:29

    I can understand what you are saying. My bond with my boy is different than that of my girls. He was also my first born. But it’s not because he’s a boy, the bond stems from him being so much more like me. He has an old soul that already shines through and he’s wise beyond his 6 years of age. #BloggerClubUk

  24. 16/07/2016 / 20:15

    AH I totally relate to this Laura. I have 3 boys, and I think I’ll always wonder if it would be a different relationship with a girl – and of course its not helped by other people always asking “Oh are you going to try again for a girl?!”. But having seen my sisters relationship with her children (2 girls and a boy) I don’t think it does feel any different based on gender – I think it is all about the individuals.
    I know boys AND girls who have great relationships with their mums, and I know boys AND girls who have terrible relationships with their mums – it’s all about the people. xx

  25. 22/07/2016 / 22:56

    Beautifully written! I am from #SharingtheBlogLove but enjoyed looking through your site and look forward to exploring it some more!

  26. 10/11/2016 / 11:27

    Really honest and thoughtful post. When we had our second daughter I was so excited that my daughters had each other. My sister is my bestest friend, we laugh like crazy together and to see that with my own girls just makes me so happy! When we decided to have a third we got so many comments about how much we must hope it is a boy. We didn’t hope it was a boy, and after loosing 3 unborn babies we were just praying for a healthy baby. I was diagnosed with a heart condition whilst pregnant with my 3rd which meant that my life and the babies were at great risk. I was so scared I would leave my girls without a mother. So it frustrated me and my hubby that people would just assume we would only be happy with a boy. I can honestly say I would have been thrilled to ahed a 3rd daughter! We didn’t find out and when at 35 weeks the doctor instead I have a c-section as she feared I may die, I was so scared. My son was born healthy and I was alive too! The doctors were shocked at how well the birth went, yes my son had to go into special care, but he was amazing. I do have an amazing bond with him, and I was surprised by how much I loved a little boy. My eldest daughter is very much a mummy’s girl, our middle child is all daddy, and hen my son is all me. I am sure it will swap and change as they grow. Your girls are so blessed to have one another and one day you may hold a little grandson!

  27. 17/11/2016 / 21:37

    #SharingtheBlogLove another great post. I am lucky enough to have 2 girls & 2 boys and feel totally blessed that not only having 2 of each but that they are all healthy and happy, I know its that old cliché but to me its so true. I just feel fortunate and blessed to be a mum.

  28. 28/11/2016 / 09:40

    I think it’s so much more complex the second time around. Maybe it is because for many of us it’s our last. It’s a strange desire, interwoven with what’s best for the eldest, what we want and what we want for the baby. I have one of each, and often wonder if the eldest will at some point wish for a sister, or the youngest for a brother. I love that you were honest enough to post this, I think most people wonder what if, even if they are totally satisfied and comfortable as a family.

    • 17/01/2017 / 19:30

      That is true it does make it feel very real writing it x

  29. Laura - Postcards for Findlay
    26/05/2017 / 12:22

    What a moving post. After losing my son Findlay I was so desperate to have another boy. I am very fortunate that I have, but when I was pregnant people would say to me ‘in sure all you want is a healthy baby’ which of course was true but made me feel extremely guilty for longing for another boy.

    I’ve only just discovered you through #SharingTheBlogLove but have just spent all morning reading your posts!

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