I’ve always been a bit socially awkward, I worry way too much about what people are going to think of me and this holds me back from actually being myself and even talking to people. I automatically start in a place where people won’t be interested in what I have to say, that I will just end up saying something that I shouldn’t and its probably just better if I just keep myself to myself.
I spend way too much time analysing situations that I’ve either been in or I could potentially be in. I will even now take myself back to a conversation I had with someone years ago and worry that I may have said something to upset them, or that I just didn’t shut up.
Because even though I am naturally not that comfortable talking to people that I don’t know that well, when I am in those situations I tend to ramble on. It’s like a nervous rambling and I probably look like I’m quite confident in these situations. But underneath my legs are flapping around and my stomach is flipping around. But I can’t stop talking!
When I’m on my way to somewhere where I’m feeling really anxious about going, I tell myself to not let the nervous talking take over. To not worry about filling the silences, its not just my job to fill them. To stand back and blend into the background. On the occasions that I do this, I come away thinking oh no one liked me and then spend the next millions hours analysing it. Or if I’ve let my nervous rambling take over, then I still come away and analyse the whole thing. I tie myself in knots over it all!
A large part of me just thinks don’t go to these things and put myself in these situations, but I know that this is really unhealthy for me. I’ve been there and I’ve spent so long pulling myself out of post natal depression and pushing myself back into life. I need to socialise with people, make friends and live my life. But I just wish I didn’t find it so hard.
I also genuinely normally have a really nice time when I’m there, the thought of it is always way worse than it actually is. I just need to work on my feelings when I leave, I’m sure most people just leave and think that was a nice time and get on with their day. Not spend time worrying about how you came across.
I think a lot of time my social awkwardness comes across as arrogant or rude, which couldn’t be further from the person I am. Andy gets really frustrated about it, as he says to me, if only people could see the real you.
When I do make friends, I’m definitely a different person. I relax a lot more, I don’t get anxious about seeing them and I can hold my own in a conversation. I can take a joke, love a bit of sarcasm and I’m loyal.
I’m not really too sure what the point of this post is, I don’t have any answers to help me . But it does feel good to pour it all out and I know that the fact that I recognise what I am like, is better than not.