I don’t know the answer to this…
Maybe it is different for different people. What I do know is that for me, I can’t see a time when a part of it will ever leave me.
I sit on my sofa with a hot coffee in my hand, watching Holly play with her Paw Patrol toys feeling content, like I’ve got this stuff nailed and that maybe I’m finally turning a corner. That maybe you can come through the other side.
Then in a blink of an eye that black cloud makes an appearance and I can feel myself getting sucked back in. That you don’t feel in control anymore, that you can see what is staring you in the face.
What makes this happen? I don’t know. I wish I did, as maybe I can make it not happen. There are certain things that I’ve worked out are triggers for me.
When I don’t have a plan, I panic. When I do have a plan and then it’s suddenly changes last minute, I panic. When things happen last minute and I don’t feel like I can control it, I panic.
It’s good to understand that these are some of my trigger points it helps me manage my life to try and avoid these happening. Andy is also aware that these are triggers for me and we work together to try and avoid them.
But of course there are always going to be things that happen that trigger these and that’s ok. That’s life. I just try and close them down as quickly as possible, not let it consume me and take over. To see it for it is, this has taken a lot of time and practice to get to this point. Using the mindfulness techniques that I’ve learnt to make this happen.
It’s the triggers that I don’t know which are harder. The things that can make this dark cloud appear and I don’t know what made it come. This is harder to deal with as I don’t get a warning, I can’t see it coming.
It consumes me quickly, I feel like I’m stood watching myself behave in a way I don’t recognise; I don’t like and I don’t want to be.
Some days I can’t breath and want to run away. But I don’t. I told on tight, ride it out and hope it passes soon.
I know for Andy who gets to live with me and see me everyday. He sees it, he gets it and whilst it must be hard, frustrating and difficult to live with. He does and he never makes me feel bad for it. Life is not what it used to be when I was in the first years of having post natal depression, we’ve definitely turned a corner with it.
There are times I feel disconnected with the world and that may always be the case.