I could honestly talk about Holly all day long, I can’t get enough of her, I simply adore her. When she arrived it was a difficult time, my dad was fighting cancer, we were moving house and life was tough. But she arrived with a smile on her face and it hasn’t left since.
It’s almost like Holly has guided me to the place I am at now. I lived with post natal depression for 18 months undiagnosed and during that time I struggled to be the mum that she needed me to be. But it’s like she knew and she wasn’t going to let me off. She fault her way into my life, my heart. I always loved her, that was never any doubt. In fact at times I loved her too much if that’s possible. I couldn’t bear to be apart from her, my heart ached when someone else held her.
But, the downside to post natal depression was on dark days or in dark moments I wasn’t the mummy that I thought I would be, should have been and the one she needed me to be. This is something that I have to live with, that I battle with in my own mind and something that I can’t go back and change. But how I so wish I could.
Holly is a little girl that nothing really fazes her, she will happily sit and play with her toys for hours and I could watch her all day long. The character that she is, there is a day that goes by where she hasn’t made me laugh by something that she has done or something that she has said. She is just so funny.
She helped me find me again and I didn’t even notice. When I look back now, she wasn’t going to let me sit and just stare into the world not taking in or having a care about what was going on around me. She would climb her on the sofa and honestly just plonk herself on her, shove a book in my hand and give me her winning a smile. It was enough to snap me out, I would look at those eyes, that smile and be won over. I wanted to be part of her, I wanted to snuggle her on my lap and read her the book. It all played a part in my journey to finding me again,
Holly has me wrapped around her little finger. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for her, she gets away with so much more than her sister did at this age. With her cute pigtails, winning smile and eyes that melt my heart, I can’t resist her, be cross with her or day no. Of course if she is really naughty, and we do have these moments occasionally, then I do, as I don’t want to raise her any other way.
But, she is my easy child, never any trouble to look after and has become my little sidekick. I genuinely miss her when she is at preschool, I never feel the need to have a break from her. She lets me sit on the sofa and finish my coffee, before I climb onto the floor and play Paw Patrol, where I’m always Zuma.
I can’t bring myself to think about this time next year when she will be at school, I don’t want them to have her. I feel sad that they get to spend so much time with my little girl, when I want to. I genuinely don’t know what I will do without her, I will miss our trips to the coffee shop, our walks in the woods and the snuggles on the sofa.
My little girl thank you for being you, you have done more for me than you will ever know. Please don’t ever change and I will promise to be the mummy that you need, the mummy that you deserve and the mummy that I want to be.
Joining Donna from What The Redhead Said for The Ordinary Moments