I don’t ever remember a time when I was comfortable being me, I look back at my childhood and even then I wasn’t. I’ve always worried about fitting in, do people like, will people like, what do I wear to something, the list goes on…
This has been my whole adult life, I spend hours worrying about things that are about to happen or analysing things that have happened. I get myself into a state and then most of the time never really actually enjoy myself.
But I’ve noticed a change recently, only a small one, but a significant one for me.
In May this year I went to a blogging conference, I spent the weeks leading up to it browsing online and buying endless outfits. Panicking and worrying over what to wear, will I fit in, will I be too casual, will I be hot/cold, you name it I worried over it. Would people judge me on my clothes.
Last weekend I went to the same conference again, but something was different. I didn’t do any of this. I thought about it, but then I pushed it to one side thinking I’ll sort it later. I had a rough idea of what I might wear and then the morning for me to leave came and I just packed the clothes. I threw in a back up option just in case, but I didn’t need it.
Is this a small sign that I’m finally accepting who I am?
Something else that was different. Last time I was panicked and scared that everyone I met wouldn’t like me. And whilst that may have been the case both in May and last weekend, I didn’t worry about it.
I think I’ve come to realise that I’m never going to be the person that everyone can’t wait to meet, the person that people tag on social media hoping and praying they will be there and making plans. That just isn’t going to be me.
Am I ok with that? Of course a little part of me would love to be more popular, don’t we all just want to be liked. But I’m just too much of an introvert. I probably wear my ‘don’t talk to me’ face too much, when really I would love you to talk to me, but then if you do talk to me I will worry you won’t like me and it’s just goes round and round in my head.
I’m starting to learn to like myself. That really it doesn’t matter what I wear, as long as I am comfortable that is all that I should think about. Because once you are through the doors, it really doesn’t matter at that point. I couldn’t tell you what people were wearing.
Am I finally accepting the person that I am, not the person that I would like to be? That I can’t change who I am and that the people who do want to be my friend, who I do chat to, meet up with and enjoy being with. Hopefully enjoy being with me, who see past my anxious, awkwardness at the beginning and get to know the person underneath.
Am I finally starting to see the real me and embracing it? I really hope so. I can’t say that I will never be anxious over what to wear, or nervous when I go to events. But what I do know is that these changes no matter how small, are big to me and I’m embracing them…