It’s Saturday night and I’ve collapsed on the sofa, exhausted. Not physically exhausted, but emotionally! It’s been a long week of testing times. Alice has turned into an emotional mess, she doesn’t know how to handle all these feelings she has inside and it’s pouring out of her in all the wrong ways.
Alice is the most well behaved little girl 95% of the time. But just recently the anger she has, because she doesn’t know how to control her feelings is hard to watch and even harder to deal with. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t respond to anything and she lashes out.
I feel helpless and lost at how to help her. No discipline seems to work, because when she is in the moment its like she can’t hear me. She doesn’t care about anything. I can threaten to take away toys that she loves, she tells me to do it. I can tell her there will be no treats for a week and she laughs. I can tell her she won’t go somewhere that we planned to go to and she says ‘good’. Nothing touches her.
Once she has calmed down and is out of the moment. She will ask if the can play with the toy I took away, or she will make a comment about how she is looking forward to going to the place I told she was no longer going to. She looks at me as if she has no recollection that it happened. She then bursts into tears and we are back to square one.
Tonight I plaited her hair after bath time, so that in the morning it would be all wavy. She loved it, she sat so still and patiently while I did it. We had story time and I put her to bed. Then she is shouting for me and the minute I walk in her room, I know the switch has been flipped. She screams she doesn’t want her plaits in and pulls them all out. Then she wants them back in and its continues like this. She eventually calms down and I redo her hair. She says sorry and goes to sleep. It’s draining!
And whilst this is going on, Holly is in her room getting out of bed every 10 seconds. This happens every nap and every bedtime, it’s exhausting and frustrating. In the evenings Andy and I tag team with putting her back in. I know it’s just a phase, but when you are in that phase it’s pretty bad.
I’m broken, I feel like it’s beaten me this week.
Last night I went out to an event an Alice’s school, I was really looking forward to it and I really wanted to go. But as the day arrived, so did my anxiety. As it got closer to me leaving I could feel myself getting more and more anxious about it, whilst also looking forward to going. It’s a strange mixture of emotions and I have to force myself not to cancel at times. I won’t let myself, I won’t let it beat me.
The emotional effort it takes for me to go on a night out like this, makes me exhausted the next day. Which makes it harder to be the parent I want to be. It all just feeds into each and there is no break when you are a parent.
This week has broken me and whilst at the moment I feel like I have no strength to go on. I know that in the morning I will get up and do it all again. Because that is what we do, we pick ourselves up and try to move past these feelings. I will continue to help Alice, to talk to her and try to understand where this is coming from. Because I want my happy, beautiful daughter back.
This week I am broken, but I will piece myself back together…