I haven’t written a post about me for a while, as to be honest every time I’ve come to write it I haven’t known what to say, or how to say it or I worry that people will judge me. I’m an over thinker, I analyse everything and it can send me round in circles.
I feel like I’ve lost my way with blogging, a bit stifled. I don’t really know what to write about and then when I do I worry that I might upset someone or it will be taken the wrong way. Some how this little blog of mine is slowly turning into my job, it’s caught me by surprise a bit and I am very very very grateful for everything that has come our way. But it’s also a little scary.
In September Holly starts school (sob!) and it’s time for me to get a job. We’ve been really lucky that my blog has allowed me to stay off work for longer than we had planned. Which has been amazing and I will always be so pleased and grateful to have had this time with Holly.
I work incredibly hard at it, I know that everyone just see’s the pretty photos on Instagram and the blog posts on here and probably question how hard can that be? I get that it’s not that same as someone that is saving people’s lives, but it’s all relative because it takes a lot of work to run and a lot of hours to do this. I’m not complaining, as I absolutely love it and it becomes a bit of an addiction.
Whenever an email pops into my inbox that is amazing (for us) I get butterflies in my stomach, wondering why they picked me? and then can I do it? Andy and I are both very aware how lucky we are and that will never leave us.
I would love for my blog to become my job, that would be the dream and I think some of that is what is making me have a bit of a wobbly. Like can I do it?
Then there is the other side of it all that is making me feel like I’m getting left behind, I don’t have the biggest following and I’m finding social media hard work. I see people’s following grow and grow and whilst I know that people buy followers, buy views etc, which isn’t for me. It can still be disheartening to see. Social platforms don’t make it easy for us to be seen and this tends to be what drives this behaviour and some people’s desire to be the best. Whatever ‘the best’ may look like. I think we all have our own measure of success.
I definitely feel like I’ve lost my way over on Instagram, which I love. Whilst I have got better at posting photos that are not just of the girls and I’m getting braver at sharing more of me. But the problem is I think that people look at a photo and they don’t just see a photo of someone. They look at the little details, the clothes they are wearing, the location they are in and they judge. It makes me question every photo that I post.
In fact I question every part of this little world that I stumbled into. I’m a self conscious person, I don’t shout about my blog, in fact I hardly ever talk about it in real life. I become embarrassed and awkward when anyone mentions it. I still wonder why someone like me has a blog! It’s just part of what makes me, me.
Yes, I could just stop and go and get a normal job. But as I mentioned I adore writing my blog and I know that this period of feeling out of sorts will pass. I’ve made some wonderful friends through it, who I’m truly grateful to have in my life. But I’ve also been part of the other side where its not quite as friendly, where I’ve been made to feel very anxious and a bit rubbish. It often feels like a big work office and people are in the kitchen gossiping about you. Which is never a nice feeling.
Anyway I’ve rambled on and it probably makes no sense at all. But I guess what I’m saying is that my mind is working overtime trying to make sense of my little bit of the internet and it’s making me question everything.
I guess we all have moments like this, don’t we?
Joining Donna at What The Redhead Said for The Ordinary Moments