When I started my blog and pressed publish on that first post, I had no idea what effect it would have my life and my families life. I started blogging for two reasons, I was sad that my girls were growing up so fast and I was forgetting all the little memories that I held so dearly in my mind. I wanted to capture them all and every day going forward.
We had also made the decision that I wouldn’t return to work after Holly turned one, that I would stay at home with the girls until Alice started school. As the months went on, I felt like something was missing in my life and that I needed something for me. I had thought about starting a blog two years before when Alice was a baby, but I wasn’t brave enough. Oh how I am kicking myself now.
For all these reasons I started and I haven’t looked back since. What I didn’t know at the time was I had post natal depression and had done since Holly was born. During those first few months of blogging, I realised how therapeutic writing was. How I could just sit and type about anything that I wanted to. I could empty my head of random thoughts and I could share all those ordinary moments that I had with my girls.
I had been blogging for about five months when I started to think that things weren’t right with me. It was like blogging had lifted a little cloud and I could see a light showing me how much I had changed. The person that I had become who I no longer recognised.
I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, but I booked a doctors appointment. My doctor is lovely and I feel really comfortable in her company. I’m not sure if I would have been this brave had it not been for her. I went along, having made arrangement for my mother in law to have Holly and Alice was at preschool.
I poured my heart out and cried a lot in that appointment. We talked about the last 20 months since Holly had arrived and it made me sad that I had lived with it for so long and not realised. My doctor said how good I had got at hiding it, painting on that face in people’s company knowing it was only for a few hours. I was exhausted from it!
It was the start of my recovery. I attended therapy sessions and I took the step to tell my mum. And of course the sessions helped me a lot.
But what really helped me was blogging. I genuinely believe that blogging got me to that doctors appointment. It has given me something for me, a chance for me to be me again and not just mummy.
Over time it’s not just the writing that has helped me, but the blogging community too. To feel part of something, when you haven’t felt part of anything for a while is pretty amazing. To have a group of people that ‘get you’, that support you and are there for you. Well there are no words.
It has helped the cloud to lift, it got me to a place where I felt able to be more honest about my post natal depression. For so long I lived with it behind closed doors and it felt good to open that door. The support I received in real life and amongst bloggers was surprising and pretty bloody brilliant!
I don’t believe I would be where I am now without this little old blog of mine. So, thank you to every single person who has ever read my blog, commented on my blog, shared a post, liked a photo on Instagram, has helped me in the blogging community or been a friend to me. It has all meant a lot to me and you’ve played a part in my recovery.